Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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