she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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