Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
