the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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