i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
