the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
