i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ladies don't puke and tell
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
