i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
