I wish I only lived at night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
did i walk over a car last night?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
