there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
