once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
