my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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