i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
