I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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