now i know why i became what i already was.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
