She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
