Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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