i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
