All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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