some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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