dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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