If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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