tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
