I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
