he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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