peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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