Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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