A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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