I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
