I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
