Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
