please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
