Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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