she looked like the before picture.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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