Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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