I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
