and you said cock pushups were impossible
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
