apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
PANTIES FOUND
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