I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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