White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
