Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
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