i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
