The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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