i don't like sucking hair
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
