I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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