So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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