Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
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The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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