from now on my penis is your penis
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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