nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
