nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
