Already got asked if we're dating
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
