im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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