The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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