If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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