Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
