you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
