pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
