I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
