just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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