DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
