I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
