i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
